1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's shark week go big or go home
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
please don't ironically join a cult
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
