Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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