last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
