Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
