No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
