Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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