Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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