a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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