Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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