he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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