Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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