Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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