we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
