I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
