Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
