Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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