yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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