Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
