I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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