When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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