Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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