I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
