1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
