First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We have started to decorate penises.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
