last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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