i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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