someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
