I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
