I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
