That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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