my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
