My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
