Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
