She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
