Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
