My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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