I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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