i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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