There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
