This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
