They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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