Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
