i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
