I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
