You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
