Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
