Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The uberlube is also flammable
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
