We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
