I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
