Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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