Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
